I'm back - Pain, Shame, Motivation

So I'm back.

For now at least.

I know what you're thinking: "why?" and "are you really back and committed and motivated?"

No. I did not get the motivation to come back to the blog and to losing weight on my own.

I wish I did. I wish I really wanted to do this for my health or some other positive and uplifting reason. But no. It's because I don't fit into my clothes, because I look at pictures and I can't believe that the person I see is me, and because my lifetime bigness has moved into being fat. And I'm fine with fat. Kinda. There will be a whole posting about kinda being fine with fat. But recently, everything just seems worse. Getting dressed in the morning is an ordeal. I have tons of clothes that I just cannot wear, but I have too much pride (and hope) to give or throw away. Shopping has become a painful, humiliating, and strategic affair - an exercise in damage mitigation. I only go to stores that carry at least a 16, everything gets reviewed and inspected and stretched before going into the fitting room in order to prevent falling in love with anything that won't fit.

So I'm back. Until I'm not. I know that's no way to build an online following. But that's life as a fat girl. The motivation wanes. The shame comes and goes in waves. There are days when I want to share the ups and downs and days when I want to hide. Sometimes I can push myself, and sometimes I can't. Today I can. Tomorrow who knows.