After a lifetime of battling my weight, I'm determined to win. This blog chronicles my journey. Stay tuned for the downs and ups of the scale, dieting, exercise, and life.


I'd like to meet the person who can diet effectively without being compulsive. Cause that's not me. 2 weeks in, and I'm going nuts.

So here's the deal. I get 31 points a day on Weight Watchers. I also get 35 extra points each week to use as I choose. I can also earn even more points through exercise. For some reason, though I'm stockpiling my extra points like I'm preparing for nuclear war. I don't have a good reason to not use them, but when I do, I feel guilty. It's bizarrely paralyzing and empowering. I feel great and proud of myself for knowing that I can't eat crap now and crap later, but I just want to save them for something really good. And although something may seem really good now, how am I to know that something better won't come along that I could use them on later.

To put this into perspective, I used 2.5 of my weekly points on Monday. That leaves me with 32.5. I also have 24 activity points. That's more than 50 extra points...which is literally 5 extra meals worth of points. Or 4 Big Macs. I've never eaten a Big Mac in my life, but yeah.

Crazily enough,....just typing calmed me a little. I have to go to happy hour tonight. Having a cocktail will dip into my weekly points. I'm going to try to be calm and mature about it.



It's been a week. I'm 3 lbs down (yay) and a coworker asked me today if I'd lost weight. I can't imagine that it's noticeable already....but I'll take the compliment.

Wanna hear something you've heard before?


You guessed it.

I'm back.

So I've been working like crazy. And eating like crazy. Because nothing says crazy busy time of year like stress eating plus tired eating plus not having enough time to even think about eating healthy. And my weight has ballooned to (mumble, mumble) or something above (mumble, mumble). And enough being enough, Mom bought me 3 months of Weight Watchers Online, a pair of Reebok EasyTones, and stocked my cabinets for my first week.

It will be a week on Wednesday. I've lost 2 pounds so far. I love my EasyTones. I hate counting points. I must lose weight. Gonna keep blogging. This should be entertaining or educational or both.

I'm fat, not stupid

Lately, stores have stopped carrying size 16 in store.

Express went years ago.

Then Banana Republic and White House Black Market.

And most recently, Ann Taylor and Ann Taylor Loft.

I actually cried over the last two. I’ve been a loyal shopper (and former employee) of those stores for years. It was hard to not take the slashing of my size personally.

However, as painful as it is to be told that keeping 2 or 3 pieces of clothing for you isn’t important, it’s more insulting that the stores act like it shouldn’t be an inconvenience.

For instance, I called Ann Taylor’s customer service, and received this email response:

Thank you for your e-mail. We were sorry to hear that you have been unable to find the size 16 at your local store. Currently size 16 items are exclusively available through and Due to low demand and spacing limitations within our stores we are unable to offer the full collection including both colors and sizes. However our online store does offer additional lengths and colors as well as the full petite collection for clients to ship as needed. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused as this is purely based on sales and not intended to cause any inconvenience. I will gladly share your request with our Product Allocation team as well for future consideration.

We certainly value your feedback and appreciate your efforts to contact us directly and share your concerns. In the meantime, we do hope that you will continue to check back with our store locations as well as our online store for any updates and/or special offers


I’m fat. Not stupid.

Or maybe I am stupid. I am assuming that having to shop online is an inconvenience. Let's think about this. I have to pay shipping. In fact, if I need a certain item for a certain event on a certain date, I probably have to pay for expedited shipping...and just to be safe, I need to buy multiple items in maybe a couple sizes. Then pay for shipping to return it. Plus, I may notice that prices sometimes are reduced in store more than online and that I can't get a price adjustment for that. Oh! and the sales associate who may be on commission really has no desire to check inventory online for my size when they won't receive credit. It's a wee bit insulting to be told that all of these factors shouldn't cause me an inconvenience.

I may also be stupid if I fail to understand why stores continue to make the business decision to marginalize more than half of their consumers. The average American woman is a size 14. More than half of American women are classified as overweight. I’m a size 16 (ok – 18 more recently), and basic statistics would say that there are a lot of us. We’re young. We’re old. We have money. We want to look nice. We’re just fat.

It's hard to accept that this is a "sales" and "space" consideration when I worked retail for 10 years. I know that only 2-4 of each style number is a size 14 or 16, while there are usually a dozen size 6 or 8. I know that mannequins are size 0 and so are in store ads. I know that I often have dismissed stores and not gone in because they look like skinny people stores. I also know that when I have gone in, often all of the 16s are sold out. Of course it seems like they sell fewer items - there aren't as many in the store to begin with. Maybe I am stupid if I believe that the myth that size 16 doesn't sell is instead a self-fulfilling prophecy.

So, Dear Retailers: I’m fat. Not stupid. Not unfashionable. Just fat. I’m busy and my time is important to me. If you make cute clothes that fit and are available in my size, I will shop, and so will my friends.

I'm back - Pain, Shame, Motivation

So I'm back.

For now at least.

I know what you're thinking: "why?" and "are you really back and committed and motivated?"

No. I did not get the motivation to come back to the blog and to losing weight on my own.

I wish I did. I wish I really wanted to do this for my health or some other positive and uplifting reason. But no. It's because I don't fit into my clothes, because I look at pictures and I can't believe that the person I see is me, and because my lifetime bigness has moved into being fat. And I'm fine with fat. Kinda. There will be a whole posting about kinda being fine with fat. But recently, everything just seems worse. Getting dressed in the morning is an ordeal. I have tons of clothes that I just cannot wear, but I have too much pride (and hope) to give or throw away. Shopping has become a painful, humiliating, and strategic affair - an exercise in damage mitigation. I only go to stores that carry at least a 16, everything gets reviewed and inspected and stretched before going into the fitting room in order to prevent falling in love with anything that won't fit.

So I'm back. Until I'm not. I know that's no way to build an online following. But that's life as a fat girl. The motivation wanes. The shame comes and goes in waves. There are days when I want to share the ups and downs and days when I want to hide. Sometimes I can push myself, and sometimes I can't. Today I can. Tomorrow who knows.

I cannot eat standing up - and other lessons from this week

This week has been a combination of the Special K diet and the first week of the Beck Diet Solution.

I'm doing the Special K diet as a jump start. And so far have lost about a pound. I know it's probably water weight. Which is fine. I really just needed a week of focus. And that's what I got. I got a week where I learned what a real serving of cereal looks like. I also learned the difference between the 1/2 cup and 1/4 cup measuring cups (and that knowing the difference can really change what a serving of cereal looks like - after 2 days of eating 1/2 a serving because I was using the wrong spoon.

This focus really helped with my work on the Beck Diet Solution. Judith Beck is the daughter of a proponent of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), a technique of treating depression and other disorders that seeks to retrain the way that you think - thus changing your behaviors. It's kinda a chicken and egg thing - you change some thoughts and some behaviors at the same time...then other ones kinda get on the train. I'd used CBT for treatment of depression with great success. When I was evaluating the Beck system - the fact that it was based on CBT and that CBT has helped me prevent a serious depressive relapse in years was a big plus.

Now, Judith Beck would probably hate to see her name anywhere near the Special K diet. She'd probably also hate that I read ahead in the book rather than following the day-by-day method. And that I combined things that I read in her Beck Diet for Life book with things that were in the Beck Diet Solution book. So everything is all comingled. But the thing that has resonated the most and has made the biggest difference in my eating this week is that I can only eat when I'm sitting down. She makes the point that for many of us, calories that we eat when standing - the bite here and there, the "tastes" of food as it cooks, the handful of this or that - tend to not satisfy and are quickly forgotten rather than being integrated into our calorie counts.


Yeah - bells went off. All this week, with the exception of dinner last night because I was at a party and I can't really insist that I MUST SIT, I've sat. And wow - I've really liked my food. Nothing makes exactly 1 cup of cereal and 1/2 cup of milk more satisfying than sitting down at the table and reading a magazine while eating it slowly. Same with Tuesday - I had a work event and had very strongly resisted all of the lovely nibbles that were being passed - arrancini, cheeseburger sliders, beef shortrib bites, shrimp - and got home VERY hungry. First thing, I threw together a quick salad (lettuce, tomato, sprouts, peppers, onion, radishes). I munched on that, while sitting of course, to take away the hunger. Then I made my veggie burger with swiss and lettuce and sauteed onions and mushrooms. Most times, I would have made LOTS more mushrooms and onions because I would have eaten a good bit of it as it cooked - not this time. And wow - it was good.

And,most importantly, it felt good to have a goal, do it, and succeed. So I'm going to be sticking with the Beck. Get prepared to hear more about it.

My butt is kicked

Comcast has rearranged a lot of the on-demand exercise options, so I've gone back to my old standby -- magazines. When I last lost a lot of weight, Self and Shape were my companions. Filled with recipes, motivation, and sometimes great workout plans to do with little space and less equipment, these magazines were my go-to guide.

Overtime, they've fallen from favor. I got tired of hearing the same thing over and over. Often the exercises weren't reasonable and Shape now mostly has at-gym workouts that can only be adapted for home with more equipment than I'm willing to purchase (like Bosu balls or a collection of resistance bands). There's also a lot more magazines out there: Women's Health, Health - and fitness sections to other magazines (Glamour, etc) - whew...that's a lot.

But thankfully - there's also the internet. So rather than rooting around stacks of magazines for that one workout I once saw, I can spend 30-60 minutes finding great workouts.

Which is what I did last night when I found 2 awesome workouts at Women's Health's website

I did these two workouts, supersetting the moves (so all of the lunges together...etc). They fit together well, you just have to do the plie squat jumps with the squat and crunch. I also cranked up the tunes and danced a little bit in between sets to make it a little more fun and get some cardio in there.

No Gear Here

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