Yeah.
You guessed it.
I'm back.
So I've been working like crazy. And eating like crazy. Because nothing says crazy busy time of year like stress eating plus tired eating plus not having enough time to even think about eating healthy. And my weight has ballooned to (mumble, mumble) or something above (mumble, mumble). And enough being enough, Mom bought me 3 months of Weight Watchers Online, a pair of Reebok EasyTones, and stocked my cabinets for my first week.
It will be a week on Wednesday. I've lost 2 pounds so far. I love my EasyTones. I hate counting points. I must lose weight. Gonna keep blogging. This should be entertaining or educational or both.
Showing posts with label Reflection. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reflection. Show all posts
I'm fat, not stupid
Lately, stores have stopped carrying size 16 in store.
Express went years ago.
Then Banana Republic and White House Black Market.
And most recently, Ann Taylor and Ann Taylor Loft.
I actually cried over the last two. I’ve been a loyal shopper (and former employee) of those stores for years. It was hard to not take the slashing of my size personally.
However, as painful as it is to be told that keeping 2 or 3 pieces of clothing for you isn’t important, it’s more insulting that the stores act like it shouldn’t be an inconvenience.
For instance, I called Ann Taylor’s customer service, and received this email response:
Seriously?
I’m fat. Not stupid.
Or maybe I am stupid. I am assuming that having to shop online is an inconvenience. Let's think about this. I have to pay shipping. In fact, if I need a certain item for a certain event on a certain date, I probably have to pay for expedited shipping...and just to be safe, I need to buy multiple items in maybe a couple sizes. Then pay for shipping to return it. Plus, I may notice that prices sometimes are reduced in store more than online and that I can't get a price adjustment for that. Oh! and the sales associate who may be on commission really has no desire to check inventory online for my size when they won't receive credit. It's a wee bit insulting to be told that all of these factors shouldn't cause me an inconvenience.
I may also be stupid if I fail to understand why stores continue to make the business decision to marginalize more than half of their consumers. The average American woman is a size 14. More than half of American women are classified as overweight. I’m a size 16 (ok – 18 more recently), and basic statistics would say that there are a lot of us. We’re young. We’re old. We have money. We want to look nice. We’re just fat.
It's hard to accept that this is a "sales" and "space" consideration when I worked retail for 10 years. I know that only 2-4 of each style number is a size 14 or 16, while there are usually a dozen size 6 or 8. I know that mannequins are size 0 and so are in store ads. I know that I often have dismissed stores and not gone in because they look like skinny people stores. I also know that when I have gone in, often all of the 16s are sold out. Of course it seems like they sell fewer items - there aren't as many in the store to begin with. Maybe I am stupid if I believe that the myth that size 16 doesn't sell is instead a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So, Dear Retailers: I’m fat. Not stupid. Not unfashionable. Just fat. I’m busy and my time is important to me. If you make cute clothes that fit and are available in my size, I will shop, and so will my friends.
Express went years ago.
Then Banana Republic and White House Black Market.
And most recently, Ann Taylor and Ann Taylor Loft.
I actually cried over the last two. I’ve been a loyal shopper (and former employee) of those stores for years. It was hard to not take the slashing of my size personally.
However, as painful as it is to be told that keeping 2 or 3 pieces of clothing for you isn’t important, it’s more insulting that the stores act like it shouldn’t be an inconvenience.
For instance, I called Ann Taylor’s customer service, and received this email response:
Thank you for your e-mail. We were sorry to hear that you have been unable to find the size 16 at your local store. Currently size 16 items are exclusively available through anntaylor.com and LOFTonline.com. Due to low demand and spacing limitations within our stores we are unable to offer the full collection including both colors and sizes. However our online store does offer additional lengths and colors as well as the full petite collection for clients to ship as needed. We apologize for any inconvenience this may have caused as this is purely based on sales and not intended to cause any inconvenience. I will gladly share your request with our Product Allocation team as well for future consideration.
We certainly value your feedback and appreciate your efforts to contact us directly and share your concerns. In the meantime, we do hope that you will continue to check back with our store locations as well as our online store for any updates and/or special offers
Seriously?
I’m fat. Not stupid.
Or maybe I am stupid. I am assuming that having to shop online is an inconvenience. Let's think about this. I have to pay shipping. In fact, if I need a certain item for a certain event on a certain date, I probably have to pay for expedited shipping...and just to be safe, I need to buy multiple items in maybe a couple sizes. Then pay for shipping to return it. Plus, I may notice that prices sometimes are reduced in store more than online and that I can't get a price adjustment for that. Oh! and the sales associate who may be on commission really has no desire to check inventory online for my size when they won't receive credit. It's a wee bit insulting to be told that all of these factors shouldn't cause me an inconvenience.
I may also be stupid if I fail to understand why stores continue to make the business decision to marginalize more than half of their consumers. The average American woman is a size 14. More than half of American women are classified as overweight. I’m a size 16 (ok – 18 more recently), and basic statistics would say that there are a lot of us. We’re young. We’re old. We have money. We want to look nice. We’re just fat.
It's hard to accept that this is a "sales" and "space" consideration when I worked retail for 10 years. I know that only 2-4 of each style number is a size 14 or 16, while there are usually a dozen size 6 or 8. I know that mannequins are size 0 and so are in store ads. I know that I often have dismissed stores and not gone in because they look like skinny people stores. I also know that when I have gone in, often all of the 16s are sold out. Of course it seems like they sell fewer items - there aren't as many in the store to begin with. Maybe I am stupid if I believe that the myth that size 16 doesn't sell is instead a self-fulfilling prophecy.
So, Dear Retailers: I’m fat. Not stupid. Not unfashionable. Just fat. I’m busy and my time is important to me. If you make cute clothes that fit and are available in my size, I will shop, and so will my friends.
I cannot eat standing up - and other lessons from this week
This week has been a combination of the Special K diet and the first week of the Beck Diet Solution.
I'm doing the Special K diet as a jump start. And so far have lost about a pound. I know it's probably water weight. Which is fine. I really just needed a week of focus. And that's what I got. I got a week where I learned what a real serving of cereal looks like. I also learned the difference between the 1/2 cup and 1/4 cup measuring cups (and that knowing the difference can really change what a serving of cereal looks like - after 2 days of eating 1/2 a serving because I was using the wrong spoon.
This focus really helped with my work on the Beck Diet Solution. Judith Beck is the daughter of a proponent of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), a technique of treating depression and other disorders that seeks to retrain the way that you think - thus changing your behaviors. It's kinda a chicken and egg thing - you change some thoughts and some behaviors at the same time...then other ones kinda get on the train. I'd used CBT for treatment of depression with great success. When I was evaluating the Beck system - the fact that it was based on CBT and that CBT has helped me prevent a serious depressive relapse in years was a big plus.
Now, Judith Beck would probably hate to see her name anywhere near the Special K diet. She'd probably also hate that I read ahead in the book rather than following the day-by-day method. And that I combined things that I read in her Beck Diet for Life book with things that were in the Beck Diet Solution book. So everything is all comingled. But the thing that has resonated the most and has made the biggest difference in my eating this week is that I can only eat when I'm sitting down. She makes the point that for many of us, calories that we eat when standing - the bite here and there, the "tastes" of food as it cooks, the handful of this or that - tend to not satisfy and are quickly forgotten rather than being integrated into our calorie counts.
DING DING DING
Yeah - bells went off. All this week, with the exception of dinner last night because I was at a party and I can't really insist that I MUST SIT, I've sat. And wow - I've really liked my food. Nothing makes exactly 1 cup of cereal and 1/2 cup of milk more satisfying than sitting down at the table and reading a magazine while eating it slowly. Same with Tuesday - I had a work event and had very strongly resisted all of the lovely nibbles that were being passed - arrancini, cheeseburger sliders, beef shortrib bites, shrimp - and got home VERY hungry. First thing, I threw together a quick salad (lettuce, tomato, sprouts, peppers, onion, radishes). I munched on that, while sitting of course, to take away the hunger. Then I made my veggie burger with swiss and lettuce and sauteed onions and mushrooms. Most times, I would have made LOTS more mushrooms and onions because I would have eaten a good bit of it as it cooked - not this time. And wow - it was good.
And,most importantly, it felt good to have a goal, do it, and succeed. So I'm going to be sticking with the Beck. Get prepared to hear more about it.
I'm doing the Special K diet as a jump start. And so far have lost about a pound. I know it's probably water weight. Which is fine. I really just needed a week of focus. And that's what I got. I got a week where I learned what a real serving of cereal looks like. I also learned the difference between the 1/2 cup and 1/4 cup measuring cups (and that knowing the difference can really change what a serving of cereal looks like - after 2 days of eating 1/2 a serving because I was using the wrong spoon.
This focus really helped with my work on the Beck Diet Solution. Judith Beck is the daughter of a proponent of Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT), a technique of treating depression and other disorders that seeks to retrain the way that you think - thus changing your behaviors. It's kinda a chicken and egg thing - you change some thoughts and some behaviors at the same time...then other ones kinda get on the train. I'd used CBT for treatment of depression with great success. When I was evaluating the Beck system - the fact that it was based on CBT and that CBT has helped me prevent a serious depressive relapse in years was a big plus.
Now, Judith Beck would probably hate to see her name anywhere near the Special K diet. She'd probably also hate that I read ahead in the book rather than following the day-by-day method. And that I combined things that I read in her Beck Diet for Life book with things that were in the Beck Diet Solution book. So everything is all comingled. But the thing that has resonated the most and has made the biggest difference in my eating this week is that I can only eat when I'm sitting down. She makes the point that for many of us, calories that we eat when standing - the bite here and there, the "tastes" of food as it cooks, the handful of this or that - tend to not satisfy and are quickly forgotten rather than being integrated into our calorie counts.
DING DING DING
Yeah - bells went off. All this week, with the exception of dinner last night because I was at a party and I can't really insist that I MUST SIT, I've sat. And wow - I've really liked my food. Nothing makes exactly 1 cup of cereal and 1/2 cup of milk more satisfying than sitting down at the table and reading a magazine while eating it slowly. Same with Tuesday - I had a work event and had very strongly resisted all of the lovely nibbles that were being passed - arrancini, cheeseburger sliders, beef shortrib bites, shrimp - and got home VERY hungry. First thing, I threw together a quick salad (lettuce, tomato, sprouts, peppers, onion, radishes). I munched on that, while sitting of course, to take away the hunger. Then I made my veggie burger with swiss and lettuce and sauteed onions and mushrooms. Most times, I would have made LOTS more mushrooms and onions because I would have eaten a good bit of it as it cooked - not this time. And wow - it was good.
And,most importantly, it felt good to have a goal, do it, and succeed. So I'm going to be sticking with the Beck. Get prepared to hear more about it.
Starting Over (Again)
I'm back. Defeated. Dejected. Depressed. And still weighing 235 pounds. I'd hoped that by now I'd weigh...200 - maybe 190. I expected to be back to at least a real size 16, maybe even a (large) 14.
But no.
Just like every other time, I crashed and burned. Life got in the way. I started wearing my hair straight. Work got busy. Everything else became a priority. And well, ice cream tastes good, and working out is hard.
So now I'm back. And not so gung ho. I'm actually pretty apathetic. Because although I want to lose weight. I NEED to lose weight. I don't know if I have it in me. I was in a tele-seminar yesterday and the facilitator asked: What can you commit to? And I don't know what I can commit to. I hate working out...well I do now that I'm huge and out of shape and am so far away from the exciting place of lifting so much the guys at the gym are impressed. I love food. I love everything about it - watching it being cooked, cookign it, talking about it, learning about it, reading about it. How could I possibly become one of those boring no oil, no butter, no salt, everything held on the side people?
So I'm back. Not sure what that means. Yet.
But no.
Just like every other time, I crashed and burned. Life got in the way. I started wearing my hair straight. Work got busy. Everything else became a priority. And well, ice cream tastes good, and working out is hard.
So now I'm back. And not so gung ho. I'm actually pretty apathetic. Because although I want to lose weight. I NEED to lose weight. I don't know if I have it in me. I was in a tele-seminar yesterday and the facilitator asked: What can you commit to? And I don't know what I can commit to. I hate working out...well I do now that I'm huge and out of shape and am so far away from the exciting place of lifting so much the guys at the gym are impressed. I love food. I love everything about it - watching it being cooked, cookign it, talking about it, learning about it, reading about it. How could I possibly become one of those boring no oil, no butter, no salt, everything held on the side people?
So I'm back. Not sure what that means. Yet.
Not a good week at all
Well - accurately, I could say WEEKS. Because the last two weeks have not been "good." The first week, I cast aside as a learning opportunity - a chance to see how I could fit my new journey of healthful living into my "real life" This week showed me that it absolutely doesn't naturally fit.
Nope. This is going to be hard.
Very hard.
My natural tendancy is to eat. everything. in. sight. And then eat some more. I'm realizing what a conscious decision this is going to have to be. That I will have to say no. That it's not a matter of "moderation." It's a matter of saying yes to the right things and no to the wrong. Not maybe. Not a little bit. Not some today and nothing tomorrow - because tomorrow I will say the same thing.
So I don't know where that leaves me. I just want to whine and give up. But I'm going to keep trucking. Meal plan posted tomorrow, as usual. I guess that's just how it's gotta be. Maybe one day there will be balance and moderation - but no day soon.
Nope. This is going to be hard.
Very hard.
My natural tendancy is to eat. everything. in. sight. And then eat some more. I'm realizing what a conscious decision this is going to have to be. That I will have to say no. That it's not a matter of "moderation." It's a matter of saying yes to the right things and no to the wrong. Not maybe. Not a little bit. Not some today and nothing tomorrow - because tomorrow I will say the same thing.
So I don't know where that leaves me. I just want to whine and give up. But I'm going to keep trucking. Meal plan posted tomorrow, as usual. I guess that's just how it's gotta be. Maybe one day there will be balance and moderation - but no day soon.
A Mistake, A Set Back, Or Just Reality?
So The Boyfriend asked me, during the first week of this adventure, how it was going to be possible to maintain weightloss. He wasn't trying to be mean - it's just that well...I love food. We love food. We live in the Bay Area which is filled with food. Good food. Everywhere. So during that week, when I was on that strict 1200 calorie diet, the reality of being able to do that forever, seemed questionable.
And now, 2 weeks into this adventure, I'm having the same questions.
Really. Am I never supposed to have a scone from Arizmendi again? Or Chocolatine from La Farine? Or snacks at a party? Cause - well...I had all of the above this weekend. And I know - I had been so "good," but is it really about being "good," or is there space to be good and bad? And where's the line?
I guess I'll be figuring that out for a while. I still worked out this weekend (well today - I didn't yesterday or Friday). I still ate my fruits and veggies. Somewhere out there, there's balance. I just need to find it.